Addressing the Child’s Inappropriate Behavior: A Paradigm Shift

Larry F. Waldman, PhD, ABPP
Clinical, Forensic Psychologist

When I began counseling parents in the early 70’s, then as a school psychologist, it was often necessary to warn of the harmful effects of spanking and/or paddling as a common discipline method. Today, the pendulum has swung to the other extreme, as parents are not effectively addressing their children’s inappropriate behavior.

Behavioral parenting theory is founded on the premise that the child learns to behave and function according to the consequences of their actions. Therefore, parents are encouraged to objectively observe the child’s behavior and immediately and specifically reinforce the child when positive acts are exhibited (with praise, hugs, parental time, privileges or the occasional tangible reward). “Catch them when they’re good,” I often recommended.

By focusing on and properly reinforcing good behavior the amount of negative behavior declines since the child’s need (and birthright) for parental attention is largely satisfied by behaving well. Thus, reinforcement simultaneously increases positive behavior and reduces the likelihood of negative behavior. Today’s parents are far better at this than their ancestors.

Since kids are kids, regardless of how much reinforcement they receive, they will occasionally behave inappropriately—some more than others. As with appropriate behavior, this negative behavior must also be effectively addressed. In my view, this is where modern parenting is weak.

Recently I was at a park/playground with my grand-twins (3 ½) at a gathering sponsored by their pre-school. I observed a boy, about 4, aggressively push another boy, also 3-4, off the second step leading to the slide. The child fell to the ground, fortunately protected by wood chips, and began to cry. The “victim’s” mother ran to her child, checked him and comforted him.

The mother of the “aggressor” walked over to her son, moved a few yards away with him, put her arms around him and said reflectively, “Brian, I know you were frustrated, but pushing someone down is dangerous.” Within 15 seconds Brian was climbing back up the slide. From a Behavioral perspective this child learned that when “frustrated” he can act out, immediately receive his mother’s undivided attention and embrace, listen to a brief sermon and be done with it.

If my young son had pushed a child off a ladder, using logical consequences, I sternly would have said, “No fighting!” walked him to a nearby bench and have him sit there for 4-5 minutes (depending on his age) and think about his dangerous act. Perhaps the time-out would have taken place in the car (with me standing nearby). If I perceived the act to be especially egregious, I might have apologized to the host and immediately taken him home—saying little to nothing during the drive.

By using reinforcement effectively for good behavior and properly consequenting inappropriate behavior the child learns to clearly recognize the difference in parental responses to his/her behaviors. Frankly, the actions many parents today provide to good and bad behaviors in their kids are pretty similar.

By properly reacting to an inappropriate behavior the child will likely be uncomfortable for several minutes but will recover. Learning to accept the consequences of negative behavior and regaining composure strengthens the child’s sense of morality and builds resilience to cope with the trials they will assuredly confront in their lives. I fear we are heading for a generation of self-righteous, non-resilient beings. Good parenting requires that children learn to behave responsibly through regular reinforcement and being properly disciplined, when warranted.